Overheard

It's been quite hot here, with several days in a row of 100 plus degree temperatures. I can't keep the kids in their clothes and yet I still have mountains of laundry. Could someone please explain to me how this works? The hot weather also means it's potty training season.


Oh, yeah, it's outdoor peeing weather this week, Jim said last week. The Baby is of age. I think that we can start training him now.

Girlface has surprised us lately with her knowledge of letters. I've not been able to teach her directly as much as I did with Big Brother. But one day, she blurted out:

P is for purple. Huh? I didn't know she knew that. And she's been writing letters. Numbers, though, are a different story. She knows them, but it sounds like she's calling audibles in a football game. 

4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 11, 4, 5, 12. And Big Brother flips out because she's not saying the numbers in order.

She also has lots of opinions. 

I like this song, mom, Girlface chirped from the back seat. Bryan Adams "Everything I Do" was on the radio. It's about looking into my eyes. I like looking into my eyes. Well, this is different, a kid telling me what a song is about. Big Brother, on the other hand, constantly asks what each song is about.

How can you breathe through your eyeballs, dad?
Well, I guess if you held your breath it might come out your eyeballs, Jim tells him. A few days later I realized that he asked that question because when I take my contacts out and wear eyeglasses, I tell him it's because my eyes need to breathe.

Let's play the quiet game, Big Brother says.
QUIET GAME, The Baby screams. My kids suck at this game.

Big Brother played a game with me the other day, I tell Aunt Jackie. What game was it?
Yahtzee. Ooooh. I like gumballs. (He had spotted a gumball machine.) Yes, he really did say all of this in the same breath. Ironically, I had mentioned the game playing to show her that his attention span was improving.

And now you know the purpose of basements, Big Brother, his cousin Mia says as she wraps up her 5 minute dissertation.
What? Big Brother says with the same blank stare he'd been giving her for the past five minutes as she explained basements.
Mia, he doesn't know what purpose means, another cousin chimes in.

Don't drink the bathwater, Girlface. Your brothers probably peed in it, I tell her.
I didn't pee, Big Brother replies. I farted in it. Ewwwww.

I don't know what happened, I bemoan to my sister. The two of them were playing so nicely for a few minutes. They were listening to each other's elbows [with a toy stethoscope]. Next thing I know, Girlface whacks him and he tackles her to the ground. 
It's a bipolar match, she replies. Ah, yes. That explains everything.

When Nana sets her house on fire, we can come rescue her, Big Brother tells his sister.
Yeah, because I'm going to be a firefighter! Wait, what? Nana is going to set her house on fire??

Hey, I can put the plate on top of the pumpkin [it was actually a watermelon]. It can balance, Big Brother says. Five year olds havew such great ideas.

Can this plum pit grow? Big Brother asks. 
Sure, but I think it has to be planted somewhere warmer, like California.
Where's California? 
On the other side of the country. 
Can we go there tomorrow?

Why do we have mouths? Big Brother asks after a five minute series of questions about something completely unrelated. It's at this point that I want to bang my head against the wall. Hard.

Are there a lot of mosquitoes in the world? Big Brother asks. 

I'm closing my eyes so you can't see me, Big Brother says to his Nana . Right. If that worked, I'd be eating chocolate with eyes closed in front of the kids nonstop. 

Mom, I passed gas upstairs. It was a fart gas. Can you smell it? Big Brother says from the top of the stairs.  

Ew, did you pass gas, Big Brother?
No, Girlface might have done and it came all the way in here. Sure, that's plausible.

Why did Nana's [bike] tire get flat?
Maybe it got a hole in it. 
Maybe there was too much weight on it and it went down. Nana loved that explanation.

Now, you need to behave at the gym this morning, Big Brother. 
Why?
Because when you don't behave, it doesn't make mommy want to do nice things for you. 
You want to do bad things to us?

Look, dog, The Baby says pointing out a picture of a dog to our dog Molly. I love how kids just think of the dog as just a furry human.

What is that noise, The Baby? I ask him as he whines at me.
Me, he says. Smart ass.

Watch out. He charges, Jim warns someone as The Baby hurtles toward them.

The Baby. Patrick. . Come here, I say.
MEEHAN COMING, he replies as he charges toward me. This kid has linebacker written all over him.

Do babies climb walls, mom?
No, I reply.
Do they have suction cups on their hands and feet?
No. Where are you getting all this?
Dad said that babies have suction cups on their hands. Oh dear.

Mom, let's go bike riding. We can scare them with our face paint power. They had just finished painting each other's faces with water colors.

Have a happy and safe 4th of July!